Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
