I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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