Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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