Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We talked him into tasing himself.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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