dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
