he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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