If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
