i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
