I have demons in me.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
