My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
