Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
