the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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