The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
