plz talk dirty to me
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
