people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
