I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
