she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
