Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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