if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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