nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm sobbing to NWA
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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