i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
