You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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