Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
