you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
