12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
