im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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