Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
