I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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