I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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