I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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