There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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