I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
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was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
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