I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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