Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She announced her abortion via fbk
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
