Sry I called you an 8
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
