Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
