As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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