theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
