what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
