This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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