Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I will die if light touches me.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
