I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line