I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.