Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
