what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
he shaved USA in his pubs
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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