VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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