I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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