afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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