So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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