i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
