Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
