now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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