I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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