Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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