when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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