Im at strip club and am horny
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
